Posts Tagged ‘Christmas’

Mother Has Her Days

28 Dec


Back When Life Was Black & White


Dear Ricky—Here I am at my work station at school trying to reprint my entire semester's work in my writing class. I inadvertedly dropped the entire folder out of my notebook one day without realizing it and only salvaged a few pages that were still blowing in the wind in my yard and one neighbors when I returned home. What an awful feeling! Not only had I lost all of my work with teachers comments, but now my stuff could be in the hands of who knows who. Oh, well! Luckily, I had it all on two discs—one MacIntosh, here in the Education Library where I work and some on IBM disc where I was working in the college computer room. I'll go there when I finish here. Was going there anyway, because I am starting on the revision of my work on Euphanasia Euthanasia and Physician-Assisted Suicide, so I'll have an entry for this national ethics contest I am entering. It is due in Boston on January 22nd. It will probably take me that long to cut my twenty-two pages down to eight. This work I am retrieving now is what I intend to get an excerpt from to enter in the Writing Competition here at school in the coming semester. The more awards I can get, the more apt I am to be accepted in a grad school. Writing is my best bet.

We had a nice Christmas Day at Laurie's. Boo Boo has flown to San Antonio to see Jill—Left yesterday. I would have liked to gone with him, but it costs so much to fly.

Well, the printer has finally stopped, so I guess I am through here. I didn't realize I would have access to may E-Mail all during the holidays because of the computer room being open, and because I have access to this McIntosh in the Education Curriculum library.

A few days before Christmas Laurie and Joel and I came up to the museum here at school to see a sculpture exhibit that everyone should see. The work was done by a former art professor here (He's dead). Even Joel was impressed. He said, "Steven will be sorry he didn't come." Steven said he wanted to go to school that day because he couldn't miss seeing his girlfriend. Well, that's "young love".

I am just chatting on about nothing, so will close.

Love, M

Reply-To: "Margaret Nix" Date: Mon, 28 Dec 98 10:06:19 DT

Dollhouse Jitters v3.1

03 Mar


Mysterious Ways


Breathing together elbow to elbow on the couch, we were finally alone and ready to explore the next phase of this mildly racy psychodrama that I'd a zillion privacies ago secretly escalated into my flagrant private war. After a few minutes of jostling for favored logistics in reading and mutually editing the WordPerfect data file stored on the spanking-new IBM laptop her parents had given her for Christmas, I was quite anxious to filter the single-paged coverletter Jennifer wanted to include in her application for poor grammar and redundancies. Regular post-graduate status at Cornell was absolutely imperative. Her one year of special study in the Indonesian language curriculum would end soon, and once completed, she would have nowhere to go since she had failed to secure grant monies that would allow her to conduct fieldwork among the volatile social upheavals of Indonesia itself. I had read some of her academic writing before, and knew some of her tendancies, and here they were again. This was not a very well written piece. I read the whole thing once, but then hemmed and hawed in leveling any sort of critical assessment. There was much to do in every paragraph.

"Well, your vocabulary is quite strong, and you seem to make your points adequately clear and concise enough, but..."
     "Well, what?"
     "I don't really know what to say. As I said to you and many others before, I really don't like being critical of other people's writing. I'm a writer, not a critic of writing. Now, character flaws, that's a whole other..."
     "Well, what is it? I wouldn't have asked you for your opinion if I didn't respect them and want them. Spill it baby..." she commanded in sultry vox crypto-doll she played so well. Know the rules, break them only if you can persuade others that this rule or that rule must be the first to go (with the flow, or against the toe). We both knew that game.

My defenses were slowly melting away. Of course, knowing how much psychotopology had rushed under the bridge in these past few months between us, I was trying to keep from hurting her feelings with unnecessary criticism or insult since I was worming my way closer to her, my confidences balanced by fear of driving her beyond my reach, especially in light of the catastrophe of a few years ago when my brother Chaz suggested I critique this Atlanta woman's poetry. She was the sister of his ex-fiancee, a mother of three teenagers, she about my own age, and a devotee of G-d, which of course meant that she was brimming with Jewish false pride, sparring with vowels. But she certainly could not write a phrase remotely resembling modern poetic seasoning. Not an single original thought or sentence pattern made it to the thirty or so pages she mailed me.

Dead vocabulary of the eighteenth century romantics, or more precisely, the mock language of a junior highschool sensitive emotional type was etched into her perfectly typed double spaced pages. She broke up lines into short fragments of three and four words imitating Cummings I suppose she thought (or worse, she'd never even READ ANY 20th century poesymakers), or else longer lines consisted of three or four of these fragments separated by a double-space. Floating like penguins on a small iceberg of whitespace each fragment began with a preposition or conjunction. Well, there WERE the few fragments which started with the personal pronoun, you or I (no he's or she's). Her pathetic attempts at corrollary were as flat and indistinct as a penny plucked from the locomotive railing just after a long slow-moving train had rattled by, page after page after page. Dozens of pseudoinspirational references to Gee dash Dee marred the reading.

I think I was married to her in another lifetime. But that's another story. One thing she did add which offered me the way out I needed to survive this holocaust with my artistic integrity intact. She said that Chuck had told her that she could be sure of one thing. That I would be “meticulous and bluntly precise”. Those were her exact words. Saved by the bell! Now I could really get into the guts of the matter. Within a week the slim package arrived.
So how was I going to break this news to her? Well, I stepped into every buffalo chip imaginable on the path to righteousness, honesty, and critical inertia. After a long-winded conversation on the phone trying to escape this lose-lose situation she pinned me down, insisted I critique her work as it existed. Honest opinions. Hold nothing back, blah, blah blah. I took her to task, very politely mind you, knowing that I was dealing with a very naive but controlling woman on many levels. This was a woman who had tantrumed my brother out of her family for not being Jewish because no sister of hers was going to marry...

Conversion was not an option. No good enough for her sister. Chaz had no choice but to hit the road. But here she was two years after that aborted marriage, two years after my brother had weathered one storm this high-strung princess had tossed, maintaining a friendship with the beloved younger, again begging for applause, and as I learned later in a rebuttal letter, as a gentile, I was commanded by Gee dash Dee to give it to her, straight from scripture, chapter and verse, applause. I had TRIED to be gentle. I suggested she package her poems to give them and read them to her forthcoming grandchildren. I counseled her on the abuse and redundancy of prepositional phrases, marking them with colored marker on the pages. And finally I suggested she treat her writing like she would her bedroom. Vigorous, sweaty, acrobatic language was far more powerful than langauge that just flattened out on the page. Modernize, use real life images, not staid boring recycles from the past, I urged her, writing these comments out along the margins of specific chunks of floating icebergs...

To nobody's surprise but her own, this fiendish Jewish woman was neither amused, nor inspired by my biting criticisms. Well, hell, on a whim as I wrote this I checked my database and sure enough I found traces of the events I described above from memory. Let's check the record:

Finding a piece of mail dated April 21, 1989, in my file cabinets where I kept records of every copy inch of correspondence I had alphabetized, running the eighties and nineties, I am now swelling up with geek pride, geek pride in my record keeping. In the shallow absence of a sporting life I'd changed in a twinkling of a cobra's eye into an information inker ruthlessly chained to the same pride and energy an old school baseball statistician had for esoterica and scorebooks.

The letter is a killer in the trees. To add to the irony, I received it while in jail, serving time for a DUI. I had been laid off from my party chief surveyor's gig, and was collecting unemployment. Excellent time to experience and experiment with the Big House. Sure beat hauling butt into Baltimore once a month for a year's worth of unoriginal horror flicks and dry lung lectures. About two months before I was led out of the courtroom in handcuffs bound straight for jail, I received a phone call from a strange woman donning a thick Brooklynese Jewish clip asking to speak to me. I had been recommended to her by my own brother "Chuck". I had to think for a moment before I realized that I did indeed have a brother, who in some circles, might be called "Chuck". See, my entire sibling generation has one by one fetishized name-change operations. We wear out one name, then try on another for look and feel. She introduced herself as Barbara Kosmal. She definitely sounded like a Barbara...

I said hello. It would be the last time.

Her line was this. She wanted me to critique her poetry manuscript. I was quite flattered, but told her that I was not comfortable in the role of critical voice over someone else's work, and like the chicken hawk that I sometimes pretend to be as I try to avoid the social butterfly net, I tried to back out. I could criticize anything under the sun, but by whom was I now justified to insist she write to my own tastes.

And yes, I still despise being forced to wear the mantle of “objective” critic, so as I shut my eyes, imagining the warmth of death (although I hear it is chilling), the words of Goethe echo through the broken alleys like gunfire the gangs incite, “More light, more light!”
Yes, I was sure she was troubled kettle, a disgruntled gerund, a flea in a sand castle, a foul ball, a called third strike, a soggy mess in a hard shell just waiting to be opened up like an oyster. She insisted that I look at her poems after I confessed to that common ground of "writer's urgency". She laid bare the dangling facts that although she had not found a publisher for her creativity, she had received several very "personal" replies from several New York houses admonishing her continued efforts, but no, there was not a slot for her at this time.

The fact that Kosmal was for all intents and purposes a cunning, sweet and sour, pretentious New York to Atlanta transplant, all of which with a few minor changes, spell bitch in any language, did not leave me much of a choice—reject her plea for my accommodations, reject her poetry as the undernourished junior-high saccharine joke it proved to be, or lie through my wolf's teeth hacking off a few greasy superlatives just to be "nice". The third option had early on been written in stone cold spaghetti as being against my religion, as was the first. So I agreed to see the manuscript. I mean, any numbskull illiterate enough to classify a work of serious intent as a cross between e.e. cummings and Rod McKuen, had my attention! Hell. I had even been known to toss off an easy, "well if you really need to know, I feel my work is a dress hybrid T.S.Eliot & Allen Ginsberg style and content..."

But those words had rippled off my tongue when I was so much younger (& a lot less crass), with frank eyes to the ivory tower crowd. Ms. Kosmal stated that she was a fortysomethingish mother of three teenagers. I think I was married to her in another lifetime. But that's another story. One thing she did add which offered me the way out I needed to survive this holocaust with my artistic integrity intact.

She said that Chuck had told her that she could be sure of one thing. That I would be "meticulous and bluntly precise". Those were her exact words. Saved by the bell! Now I could really get into the guts of the matter. Within a week the slim package arrived.

My advice to you is that you had better be more discreet when making statements about the Jewish people because you do not understand the truth in G-d’s laws and statutes contained in His holy word. You’d better find out just what your boundaries are for you as a gentile.
The sad shame of her lack of depth in vocabulary and vigorous metaphor was too much for me to bear without the sarcastic mean streak of my own rabid frustrations edging into my critical voice. I played hardball, sticking it to her with little pity. I casually (without prior comment) showed the poems to an associate, who likewise panned the woman's attempts at serious work as mere self-delusions, mediocre schoolgirl mumblings. I suggested to her that she retain her work to read to her grandchildren. Her language was ruthlessly barren, too many repetitive prepositions blocked the cross pollination which may have occurred if only there were even a pair of remotely active buds to work their magic on the reader's mind. (Or in deference to her supposed attachment to the style of the poet, e.e. cummings, the reader's eye.) But there was no evidence of her having even read cummings, other than the unwarranted clustering of five or six words to a clause, a few open spaces, and then another cluster of preposition, adverb, adjective, noun. This format continued across and down the page. Except for her naive feelings of spiritual superiority spred thinly across the white innocence of virgin paper, no one ever exposed to a single page of poetry would mistake Kosmal's act of writing as art. On second thought perhaps she considered the contraction "it's" where the possessive "its" was appropriate, as her contribution to poetic license. Throughout the entire manuscript she made that mistake—some fifteen or so times. Vague, uneventful adjectives filled her page. The same five or six. Beautiful, good, happy, pretty, great, wonderful. The work cracked "immature" like dry mud splitting under the rule of equatorial sun. Her uninspired usage of dime-store adverbs left her praying but unredeemed. No galvanizing imagery but old, worn-out, romantic imitations in sterile congealed forms breathing no more vitality than I possessed while reading them. Regretfully I have no copies of Kosmal's compositions to share. I would publish at least one to assert that indeed I care not to make such editorial judgements in the name of the linguistic freedom I embrace without diamond-studded proof.

However, I lament sometimes that I had not been a "kinder and gentler" critic to this poor "poet". After all, the woman had done me no visible harm. And my own efforts at the poetic task have hardly set the world aflame. But I reported my opinions to her. Her reply speaks for itself. Yet I must remark further on what she labeled [my]"filthy language". In trying to transmit the essence of my rejection of her stuff, I drew upon the sexual metaphor of one's behavior in bed. Does language just lie there, stiff, emotionless, uninvolved in the special act of enchanting communication? Poetry is like sex, I scratched in the margins. It must scream, caress, impose friction. I suppose I now know the answer to both questions. Vulgarity was not my intent. In fact, I never used a single expletive, as they say. Nor did I criticize her Jewishness. I merely questioned her incessant repetition of the g-d rendering of her Lord's name. But I cannot supply the wealth of information I have at hand to rebut her reply here. Read the lamb's bleat, bless her heart.

April 28, 1988

     It is sad to me that I had the misfortune to have to deal with you and that such an unkind, inconsiderate, immoral individual crossed my pathway. You are a very unhappy, frustrated and miserable excuse for a human being. I truly feel sorry for you and everyone who has to come into contact with you.
    As far as my style, technique and abilities in the writing field are concerned, one thing you pointed out strongly in your critique is that you are NOT a critic. Anybody with half a brain would never have used the filthy language you used to tell me you did not like my writing. You really ought to re-establish your relationship with your family because one thing I remember about them is that they are sweet-natured, considerate and sensitive, all the qualities which you lack. You might be able to learn these important lessons from Chuck.
     As far as my religion is concerned, Jewish people are not allowed to write the name of the Lord; thus G-d. Gentiles are free to pursue their worship of G-d in any way they see fit. It’s again, unfortunate that you chose the name Gabriel, as human beings are supposed to aspire to their names and you have clearly exibited deficiency.
     You instructed me to do whatever I wanted to do with your work, so, I threw it away, simply and easily, along with your insolent and prudent remarks contained within the borders of my poetry. Just remember that in Scriptures G-d defines for the world: “Them that curse you, I will curse and them that bless you, I will bless.” Genesis 12:3. This passage means clearly that: those who curse the Jewish people will be punished and those who bless the Jewish people will be blessed. You are free to accept or reject this allegation, but it will not in any way change the truth.
     My advice to you is that you had better be more discreet when making statements about the Jewish people because you do not understand the truth in G-d’s laws and statutes contained in His holy word. You’d better find out just what your boundaries are for you as a gentile.

Barbara I. Kosmal

Enough said. The woman is neither linguist or bibliophile. But Barbara Kosmal had her say. I honestly wonder if she has found a publisher. She probably went vanity, or self-published. I wish her well, but she as baiting the wrong Gentile she if she thought she had me over a barrel, or would not only recognize her kind, but refuse to play her stupid game of let's call anybody a poet, especially if she's Jewish. And yes, I still despise being forced to wear the mantle of "objective" critic, so as I shut my eyes, imagining the warmth of death (although I hear it is chilling), the words of Goethe echo through the broken alleys like gunfire the gangs incite, "More light, more light!"



"Ignorance and virtue suck on the same straw. Souls grow on bones, but die beneath bankers' hours.""